Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
