He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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