I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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