I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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