if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
