Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
