Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
