you traded sex for a burrito?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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