you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
