I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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