I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
