You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
