Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
