I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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