i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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