Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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