The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
