Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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