You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
