final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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