my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
