Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
