New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
