Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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