Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
