What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
