doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
