I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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