so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
