It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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