Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
