Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
