I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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