just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
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