didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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