I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
