Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
