I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
