dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
