Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
