I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
