go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
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