Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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