so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
