hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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