pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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