I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
