he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
