Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
