My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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