I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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