I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
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