She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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