Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
