Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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