NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
